Please Note: Some of these Jokes are not suitable for younger viewers.
Joke Of the Week
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When
they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, " so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama,"
she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've
got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband
and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept
the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what
has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used
words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
A man was reading
the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500,
and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had
an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found
that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his
Porsche and sent him the money."
A Blonde's Brain At Work A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work
at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow.
She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done,
the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks
out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No
way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Adventures in Disneyland
were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
"Honey, I Can't Perform!" A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says
to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we
had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves
another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept
until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly.
We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal
is when nobody comes."
10 Things Men Won't Say
Let's watch Lifetime! Sex is
overrated. I don't want to go too far on the first date. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours. There
is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book. I'm glad I don't have a large penis. My hips are too big.
Aw, can't we watch Oprah? Does this suit make me look fat? I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole,
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal
to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream
up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing,
acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of
urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot
at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right
hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch
dick like baseball bat.
3 Couples, 2 Compliments, 1 Adventure!
went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me
the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the
bacon, pig?" said the third.
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a
tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and
your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild
or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no,
a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one
of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Ever heard of clearasil?
30. All right,
a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the
ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and
Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning,
they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was
still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father
was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray:
"God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early
the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank
God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest
asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest
looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle,
he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to
Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with
that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's
courtesy of carrielynnes world.